I’ve been on overload the past month. And by month, I mean decade. And by decade, I mean lifetime. There’s just too much to get done and a lifetime is simply not enough time to do it all. I keep thinking that one day I’ll knock everything off my To-Do list, materialize my entire vision board and I’ll finally lie in my hammock, dangle a leg lazily over the edge, forget that time exists and watch the sunset – completely guilt free.
I make a point to mostly do this, except somehow the guilt inevitably finds a way to creep in no matter how much I’ve accomplished for the day and told myself I can relax for the rest of the evening.
There seems to be an impatience lurking underneath even my most serene moments. It’s the feeling of being unsettled, restless, incomplete. On the way to complete, yes, but still incomplete nevertheless. Sometimes it’s trumpets blaring at full blast forcing me to scramble in a hurried frenzy of productivity and busyness, sometimes it’s just a gentle nudge to keep moving, keep working, keep achieving, keep – what, exactly?
What am I trying so hard to keep doing?
Not Good Enough
I’m a newly titled Amazon bestselling author. Earlier this year, I had the opportunity to write a passage in a collaborative book with some beautiful souls titled 365 Ways to Connect With Your Soul. It was released on November 17 and quickly became a #1 bestseller in Amazon’s self-help, new age category, beating out 2 of my favorite books (The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle and The Law of Attraction by Esther & Jerry Hicks).
In the midst of all the celebration, excitement, gratitude, magic and joy flowing through me, there was also the voice.
You know the one. It’s the same one that tells you no matter how much weight you lose, it’s still not enough. No matter how much good you do in this world, it’s still not enough. No matter how hard you work, it’s still not enough. It’s the same voice I mentioned above, the one that doesn’t let me lie in a hammock and forget all my responsibilities, goals and commitments.
The day I became a bestselling author, that voice said:
You’re not a bestselling author until you’re a NY Times bestselling author.
This isn’t really your book, you’re just one author out of 200.
The book might be a bestseller, but you aren’t, you’re only a contributing author.
Without the 199 other authors promoting the book, it would’ve never made it to the top.
Don’t get too excited, you just might die. Or someone you love will. (this one’s my favorite)
My not-good-enough voice seems to like to stress and italicize words a lot.
Do you have this same voice running rampant in your head too? Mine has been with me for as long as I remember thinking. It diminishes every achievement by finding an excuse as to why it’s not that great of an achievement. For every good thing in my life, it finds something that’s still lacking.
After 20 years of meditating, I’ve learned to listen only to my own inner voice. That other voice, and the ones like it, can talk all they want. The only voice I really care about is that still, small voice. The one that comes from my Soul, from God.
So I sat down on my bed, propped some pillows behind my back, got comfortable and locked into the Divine, the Higher Source I completely love and trust, and asked, “am I good enough?”
I started crying before I even heard the answer.
The answer came with crystal clarity. This was not just a still, small voice. It was an uprising in my belly.
I heard the word and the word became flesh (I instantly realized what that biblical phrase meant). I felt it in my gut.
And my body convulsed in sheer and utter… relief.
The Freedom of Not Good Enough
I was ecstatically relieved. It was as if the warden had come to the cell in which I had lived my entire life, looked at my prison door and said, “It’s open. Been open all along. Why don’t you just walk out?”
I felt free. Instantly. With one measly little powerful two letter word, my prison door sprang open.
But wait a minute, my Higher Self just told me I’m not good enough and I’m happy about that? I’ve pushed myself my entire life, consciously and subconsciously, to prove my worthiness, to show myself and everyone else that I am good enough. And now, I hear I’m not – from the only voice that matters – and I’m ecstatic?
Am I going crazy?
The truth is that I’m already crazy, so there’s nothing new there.
I’ve come to love that my Soul gives me the weirdest and most unexpected answers and advice. If you’ve read my passage in 365 Ways to Connect With Your Soul, you’ll know what I’m talking about. In the book, I wrote about when I was in my darkest moments, overwhelmed with sadness and begging God to take away the pain, and my soul urged me to “feel it more.”
I’ve come to fully trust my inner wisdom, without question, no matter what it says and how crazy it sounds.
So by hearing I’m not good enough from the only source that matters, I didn’t question it. In fact, I felt a wave of relief wash over me, like I’ve been let off the hook. If I no longer have to prove my worth because I no longer have any worth worth proving, then I can finally relax, let go and simply enjoy life.
There’s nothing left to prove.
There’s no more unattainable standard to hold myself to.
The key word here is “unattainable”.
Here’s the thing. If you sit down and ask the not-good-enough voice what would make you good enough in its eyes, and you start writing down things that you think would make you good enough, then you ask it, “Will this make me good enough?” and keep asking with everything you write down…. you’ll find that the voice will still come up with more things and you would fill an entire book.
How many amazing successes have you achieved in your life and yet, you still hear the voice telling you you’re not good enough?
“Good enough” is unattainable because it doesn’t exist in the vocabulary and comprehension of the voice of not-good-enough. It’s like trying to explain to my dog, Molly, that I have to cut her food intake by 30% because the vet told me she’s overweight and that’s causing her hips to hurt and her joints to be inflamed. She just doesn’t understand. All she knows is she still wants more food when she’s done eating and I can’t give it to her no matter how many times she bats those adorable big brown doggy eyes at me. Molly only understands food (and squirrels) and the not-good-enough voice only understands not-good-enough.
If I finally reached good enough, the voice would die. And it can’t have that. So it keeps me on a never-ending, unattainable quest.
Except now, I give up.
I’m done with the quest.
I push open the prison door that kept me locked inside the “trying to prove I’m good enough” cell and I step out.
Right into my hammock.
That’s me (or at least my feet) watching the sunset – completely guilt free!
To order your copy of 365 Ways to Connect With Your Soul, click here.