I want to be lovingly (or brutally – you choose which word is accurate for you) honest with you today. Not that I’m not honest with you every time I write, but today, let’s get down to the core of how I really feel about your feelings.
The truth is: I don’t care about how you feel.
Allow me to show you why. And once you understand this, you won’t care either. You’ll be free.
Almost two decades ago, I found a used condom in my then-boyfriend’s small wicker trash basket by his toilet. The problem is that I was on the pill and we didn’t use condoms.
My heart sank. I felt like someone punched me in the gut.
While I waited for him to get home, my anger and anxiety rose. He’d told me he was going to softball practice with his office team.
I knew better.
A tornado unfurled in my mind, whirling thoughts and emotions stormed through me. Unanswered questions and memories of times past when he’d come home late supposedly because he was working or some other reason. Were they all lies? How long had he been lying? Who was it? How could he do this?
I was livid. And the more I waited, the more livid I became.
When he arrived home, I released the Kraken.
I yelled and screamed and cussed and cried, my arms waving abruptly high and wide, slicing the air like swords, as I expressed how I felt.
I don’t know how long I was at it, but suddenly, in a moment of pure grace beyond my control, my consciousness left my body. It was like what you see in the movies when someone dies and a semi-transparent, spirit-like floaty soul lifts up and out of the person’s physical body, and it looks back at the dead body on the ground, detached and curious.
Except… I wasn’t dead.
My body still went on in its dramatic expression, my fists still clenching and unclenching, my shoulders tight, my arms moving rigidly. My voice was still booming through the apartment, still yelling and screaming. My eyes were still overflowing tears, bloodshot, angry and hurt.
I was still there… but I wasn’t.
There was me, the betrayed girl, feet firmly planted on the ground, hurting, yelling, wailing and flailing. And then there was me, the calm soul, unharmed, watching the experience unfold in front of her.
It was like there was a human me, and then there was a soul me, a deeper, more real me.
Somehow, maybe because the pain was so intense, my soul did me a favor and removed me from the experience. One moment I was there, fully engulfed in the pain and drama, feeling anger, betrayal in every inch of my body and being, and the next moment, I’d been lifted out of the dense physical reality and given the gift of witnessing.
Instead of being lost in the drama, I became a witness to the drama. It was no longer my drama, though I recognized that it was tied to me… but it was no longer personal. I no longer identified with it and it didn’t hurt me in the way it was hurting only moments before. It was like watching a movie where I know I’m an actor, and while I’m still experiencing all the emotions and pain and drama that the actor does, I’m aware that I’m merely an actor playing out my part, not the character living the drama. I inherently knew the pain was only hurting the fictional character, not the actor.
It was surreal, to say the least, and my first conscious memory of what I’ve come to call “taking the witness seat”.
This moment of taking the witness seat has helped me immensely throughout the years. It’s helped me come to the place I am today, where I can teach others about the importance of taking a step back, a step outside of their drama, and simply observe rather than trying to control.
Even after having this experience, there are times I forget and still try to change or control the circumstances outside of me, stuck knee-deep in the drama, unable (or unwilling) to recognize the REAL ME in all this, the actor playing a role, the soul.
We talk about emotions and how to let them flow, but usually what we REALLY want is to avoid the painful ones and hold on to the pleasurable ones. We want less suffering, more joy. Less anxiety, more calm. Less anger, more peace. Less constriction, more freedom.
Often, instead of looking inward to get these, we try to change our external circumstances first.
Had someone knocked on our apartment door that night, in the heat of our confrontation and asked me if I wanted to look inward to heal my hurt, I would’ve slammed the door in their face.
Hell no.
What I want is a loving, loyal partner who has the integrity and respect for himself and me enough to commit to an intimate, honest and nurturing monogamous relationship. Fuck that inner-work shit. Give me a good man, THAT’S what I want! And more so, in this very moment, what I want is to let my current lying, cheating partner know how bad he made me feel and how he ruined me and our relationship because of his lying, cheating ways! THAT’S what I want! Screw you and your let-it-flow-spiritual-inner-work shit!
That’s where I was two decades ago.
Not today.
Today, I lovingly recognize the role all my exes played in my unfolding, along with their own, and am truly grateful for the experiences we shared together, especially the painful ones that caused me to explore myself deeper, even if I didn’t know I was exploring myself. I recognize now that they, like me and all of us, are actors playing out our parts for the greater good of the perfectly orchestrated play.
While I understood the importance of inner work back then, in the moment of seeing him walk through the apartment door with his crisp, white softball uniform on, knowing it had been put on likely in the car before coming upstairs to the apartment, I didn’t care to grow inwardly. All I cared about was letting him know how I felt, how much he hurt me.
But here’s the truth of the matter. The deeper truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
It didn’t matter how I felt.
What mattered was I who was feeling.
This is the deeper truth, the core of things.
It’s not about how we feel. It’s not about how someone else made us feel. It’s not about what we’re feeling or any of the labels we’ve given our feelings (jealous, angry, betrayed, sad, mad, glad, happy, etc).
It’s not about our feelings at all.
It’s about the ONE who is feeling.
WHO is the one feeling? This is the question to ask.
Not, “HOW am I feeling?” But, “WHO is feeling?”
I don’t care about how you feel. I care about YOU who feels.
Michael A SingerWho is the YOU who feels? Who is the YOU who has desires and preferences? Who is the YOU who feels emotions and energy bubble up?
Who is the YOU?
The next time you have an argument with your partner or something happens that triggers a negative emotional response, take a step back into the seat of the witness, and watch as the barrage of thoughts and emotions swirl around in front of you. Witness the unfolding of the human drama without getting lost in it, without identifying with it.
Instead of trying to explain how you feel to your partner, observe the one who is feeling.
When your emotions are heated, it’s more difficult to do. So try practicing it throughout the day when your emotions are neutral and less charged so you can get used to it. It helps me to envision a spirit-like floaty me popping out of my body (like in the movies) and I can better detach from the physical human me with all her drama and embody more of the soulful witness me behind her. If you were standing next to me, you might see me shifting my upper body slightly up and back or even taking a physical step back. Making a physical movement back with my body helps get my mind into focus, setting the intention with my whole self (body, mind and spirit) that I’m shifting into the witness seat now.
When we shift into the witness seat, we don’t judge ourselves or others (if we do, we simply notice ourselves judging), and the emotional pain we were completely immersed in moments before subsides. It may not go away, but we’re not as affected by it because we’re not identifying with it. It’s no longer personal. And instead of trying to manipulate or control the people and circumstances around us, we merely observe it, watching with presence and awareness as it unfolds in front of us.
In your moment of witnessing, you come to realize that HOW YOU FEEL doesn’t have the importance you once placed on it. It’s as fleeting as the thoughts in your head. One moment happy, the next sad. One moment positive, the next negative. Thoughts and feelings are repetitive and while incessant, they’re impermanent compared to the soul of who you are.
Once you start taking the witness seat, you discover that it’s never been about how you feel, it’s about YOU who feels.
Tree… this is perhaps the best article of yours I read, though I want to convey everything you write brings forth tears from my heart and soul…your writing is so soul caressing, a part of it comes out through tears. The extraordinary feeling of ‘witness’ can come to a true soul like you very naturally.
So what does this “You who feels”, do about such things in reality? This is what I don’t get. We get above ourselves or witness the unfolding of interactions, but still our feelings have important functions to motivate us in certain ways.
For instance, I recently went through a really intense family medical crisis where my elderly father was hit by a car and sustained a serious head injury. He is now recovering, but the toll it took on me was very extreme. I was there helping both him and my step-mother for weeks, mostly while she ordered me around like a servant/Cinderella.
When I had to ask for help with travel money at the end of it (as I am partially disabled by bipolar illness and FMS/CFS,) and was not able to do my part-time home business while there, she lost it at me and just berated me for everything she could possibly think of, including why I am so weak that I have not gotten another dog by now?
At one point she was screaming that I had only come to help my father and not her…It was disgusting. I have a hard time not judging that by now and it has shown me the truth that I am still the scapegoat of the family and my hurt and anger is now moving me away from a situation I should have been done with years ago. My father also suggested I do things to make her feel better after she ran to him claiming to feel regret but never apologized to me. I tried to be the bigger person and send her a nice birthday card and got a very passive aggressive thank you card back.
It’s all well and good to be a witness, but this brought up a lot of past trauma for me and I have had a PTSD reaction to it all. While I can hear Tolle saying things like I am identifying too much with my story, the truth is, the whole thing left me emotionally devastated.
My “witness consciousness” did actually move me out of that house with all my stuff in less than an hour to get away from her tirade against me. Part of me can see this whole drama from a detached position, but it’s put me in an incredibly tight spot emotionally with my family. I no longer want to talk to them anymore and definitely do not want to go visit anymore. I don’t know how my witness consciousness is supposed to deal with all this as well….
My solution for some help with this is to practice more Yoga Nidra with Richard Millerwho has been accepted with his work by the VA to help veterans with PTSD.
I appreciate your article very much. I also don’t want to bypass my feelings and what they are informing me of what changes I need to make in my life.
As I wrote this, I do realize that it will help the to witness but I am still not sure who is the You who feels all this. Maybe I take direction from that from a more detached place – stay away from dysfunctional family upon learning the hard lesson that it was never a real or emotionally caring or nurturing family situation for me, that my step-mother hates me, that my father didn’t stand up for me, and I am not going back there to visit again. I have to witness those feelings as well.
Anyway, thank you for your article. I find it helpful, but my own process more complex. I. think what is keeping me locked in over-identification with the feelings is worrying how I am going to deal with all this in the future. I guess go back to witnessing and trusting that the witnessing me will know what to do from that position.
I loved this. It is very similar to Eckhard Tolle’s experience of suddenly not being IN the problem but rather a witness to it all. I recommend his books especially The Power of Now.
I love when I hear the same words from different sources.
Thanks Tree. You are awesome!
Thanks Claire! I LOVE Eckhart Tolle’s work too. His explanation of “the pain body” has helped me tremendously throughout the years (and continues to). The Power of Now is brilliant.
Absolutely beautiful Tree, astonishingly true and deeply perceptive!! Your words of wisdom come at a perfect time in all honesty!! I have finally just made the decision to stop caring about everyone else more than I do myself. Dysfunctional families, and theyre “FAMILY SECRETS”, drama, and tearing everyone else apart, just so they can BUILD THEMSELVES UP!! I’ve never practiced, nor condoned all the negativity. I’m just physically broken at the moment, trying to get HEALTHY again, by getting the surgeries I NEED, and honestly cannot handle anymore trauma, drama, emotional baggage, or absolute BETRAYAL by them. …My husband (a recovering alcoholic- drank 3 times in 16 years), drove to my parents house, was DRINKING and DRIVING for literally 2 days!!! My dad knew he was drinking, and let him just LEAVE! He then called my niece, to see if “she knew why Kenny was drinking, and what’s going on at our house” My NIECE then called me, to “just chat”… She asked well, wasnt he supposed to be home yesterday”? I told her yah, but the highway was closed because of the fire, so he had to go back to my mom and dads. She asked “is he doing ok”? Throughout the entire conversation, she was just FISHING!! Didn’t even BOTHER to tell me “hey, Kenny’s completely drunk out of his GOURD, and driving all over the place”. If he chooses to drink ( serious drinking issue, or allergy to alcohol or something). Then I choose NOT to be with him…. My father was an alcoholic..I refused to go through it as an adult as well….. At NO POINT, did anyone call ME, to tell ME what was going on. If he would have KILLED himself, or someone else, would that have harmed them? NO! Sure, they would be sad I’m sure, but i would be devastated. I would lose my home, my husband, our vehicle, just so much…. and me with a broken spine and going through thyroid cancer…. just such a betrayal…. My husband is SUCH a good guy. So kind, caring, and a truly decent and beautiful person- drinking turns him into an absolute idiotic lunatic!! I’m going to just move closer to my son, finish healing physically, emotionally, and spiritually and after reading your message, cleanse my SOUL!! Its virtually IMPOSSIBLE for me to be around others, without putting their needs and wants (within reason of course), before my OWN! Almost borderline codependent I know…. Your words brought up some very interesting points and valid reasoning. Such deep thought, and amazing reflection skills you have always had! I think anyone, who is in touch with their emotions, needs to read this! And I am absolutely needing to learn more about MY SOUL!! Because of the multiple betrayals in my life (actually, EVERYONE in my LIFE that mattered… hmmm need to look at that closer), I think it needs more of a CLEANSE, quite possibly a BLEACH BATH (hahaha). Im going to have to look into this further! Im so excited, and THANKFUL to be able to put a NAME on it, In a nutshell, its “Me”! My TRUE me!! The one that nobody else gets to blemish. The one that nobody else gets to bring harm to…. I’m so sad I didn’t know, or learn this SOONER! Thank you SO MUCH for sharing, it makes PERFECT SENSE now! Many prayers for blessings and best wishes to you! I look forward to many more eye opening moments! ♡♡♡
Hi Teri. Thanks for sharing from your heart, takes a lot of guts to express how you feel to the world. I’m sorry you’re experiencing so much pain. I struggled with alcoholism in my family growing up and I tried everything I could think of including Al-Anon support groups, learning about co-dependency, removing myself from the alcoholic, etc. I have to say that the single most life-changing resource I found back then was a book by Michael A Singer (he’s quoted in my article above) called “The Untethered Soul”. Can’t recommend it enough. If you got some value from my article, you’ll get immense value from his book. It’s not specifically about alcoholism but no matter what your struggles, this book will open your eyes about the cause of them and set you on a path toward true freedom. Highly recommend it. Lots of love to you AND your soul! 😉
This is such an amazing article!! It all really is about the soul! I’m speechless!
🙂 Thanks Anya! Happy you enjoyed it!