I’ve been noticing a trend in my inbox – people reviewing their successes, lessons and failures in the past decade. Me? I don’t remember what I had for dinner last night, let alone what happened in the last 10 years. But on this final day of 2019, I woke up with a fire raging inside, compelling me to sit and write. So here I am, unwittingly reflecting over a decade of deep pain, crushed hearts and unfair deaths as well as immense joy, spiritual rebirth and grace-filled miracles.
Looking back, I realize now that I had been living mostly out of alignment with who I am, especially in the beginning, and the past decade has been about rediscovering who I am as a human being, so that I can come back into alignment with my soul. Take a look at my decade in review below and I bet you’ll wonder how our lives can be so similar… maybe not the specific details, but the main struggles and deeper insights will likely resonate with you. How, you ask? Because we’re sensitive souls, we came from the same light, and this is the ascension times of spiritual rebirth for all of us.
Here are six crucial points in my journey.
10 years ago, I filed for bankruptcy. I was at my bottom, not only financially, but emotionally and spiritually. When you have to sell your clothes and furniture in order to scrounge up enough money for rent, it’s hard to feel good about yourself. In my lawyer’s office, as I held the pen in my hand and stared at the signature line on the legal bankruptcy documents, I had a spiritual revelation. I wasn’t just signing my name on a piece of paper, I was taking full responsibility for myself, declaring to the courts of California and the jury of the Universe that I, and only I, was responsible for the way my life was turning out. It was the most liberating, and soul-crushing, thing I’ve ever done. I talked about this moment with John Lee Dumas on the Entrepreneur on Fire podcast. You can listen to it here.
From this experience, I learned one of my most liberating lessons: TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOURSELF, even if there are a million valid reasons why it’s not your fault. This means taking full responsibility for your thoughts, actions and the things that happen to and around you.
8 years ago, I agreed to an open relationship with my then-boyfriend. I didn’t want it, but our relationship was heading down an old, familiar and worn-out road. Having grown up with a relationship model of infidelity, watching my mom cry at nights when she discovered yet another affair of my dad’s, year after year, I followed in her footsteps and got into relationships with men who wouldn’t commit to me. As each of my relationships ended the same way, I simply couldn’t handle one more betrayal, so I convinced myself that opening up the relationship would mean at least he’s not cheating on me. After all, we’ve agreed it’s okay. But the truth is, no matter how much I tried to tell myself it was okay, my soul knew the heart-breaking reality. I was lying to him. I wasn’t okay with it. And worse, I was lying to myself. I was trying to be someone I wasn’t, grasping desperately at ways to salvage our broken relationship, because I didn’t want to face the pain of betrayal, failure and starting over – yet again.
From this experience, I learned one of my most painful lessons: NEVER COMPROMISE WHO YOU ARE, even if it means you will lose everything. The things you stand to lose aren’t nearly as important as your soul, which you’ll surely lose when you try to be someone you’re not.
7 years ago, as the relationship above was nearing its inevitable end, my father died. I had already lost my boyfriend, and along with him went the business we built and the house we bought. And then I got a call from my sister saying if I wanted to see dad again, I better fly out to Maine where he was hospitalized, as soon as possible. After over a decade of not talking to my father, we had only recently rekindled our relationship. In the 3 months prior to his death, we had deep talks, long-awaited apologies and cried many tears. Our relationship story had reached its redemption peak and we were looking forward to rebuilding and creating new memories. We made plans to go to Vietnam together (my birth place) that summer, but God had other plans for him. Fortunately, I got to spend a few days with him before he died.
From this experience, I learned one of my most miraculous lessons: LOVE TRANSCENDS ALL WARS, even if the war is deeply rooted in hatred, anger and a lifetime of disappointment. In the end, only love matters. And you don’t have to wait until the physical finality of death to discover this.
During this time, I unleashed my wrath upon God. When I got word that my father was dying, I lost it. I was angry at Him for taking my father away. But my anger went deeper and I never knew how angry I was at God, how year after year, disappointment after disappointment, I had been accumulating layer upon layer of resentment toward Him and not even knowing it. After all, it’s not spiritual to be angry, I thought, especially at God, so I hid it even from myself. Rationally, I knew God was not at fault, but deep in my heart, in my soul, there was a gaping, raw and infected wound from His abandonment and betrayal. He promised he would never leave nor forsake me. God promises a lot of things. And yet, I had a lifetime of disappointments and hurts to prove his never-ending string of broken promises. After I screamed and wailed and sobbed on my knees, spewing words of violence and hatred that terrified me as they came out of my mouth, I stopped talking to God for days. As grace would have it, my tantrum turned out to be the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Somehow, in releasing all that stored up, blocked energy against God, I became lighter and free. And God and I began a new relationship, one based on truth and raw honesty, rather than pretense and “being a good spiritual person”.
From this experience, I learned one of my most divine lessons: GOD WANTS YOU TO BE HONEST WITH HIM, even if that means telling Him you hate Him. Only when you’re truly, completely honest with your feelings about Him, can you start to develop a real, deeply loving and truthful relationship together.
5 years ago, I got serious about my life’s message and purpose here on Earth, and turned my little-known blog into a real, revenue-generating business. I spent thousands of dollars on online business-building programs and joined elite paid groups where I got coaching and personalized attention to ensure I wouldn’t fail. I had bought courses before and never followed through on them, so I knew I needed accountability and the ability to ask questions and get answers when I got stuck. I made a decision that the money I spent was an investment in myself and I wouldn’t look back and play small anymore. I turned my life’s struggles into service and started putting myself out there and have since been featured in popular sites such as Huffington Post, Elephant Journal, Tiny Buddha and more, along with co-creating a course with The Shift Network.
From this experience, I learned one my most enriching lessons: DON’T LOOK AT THE ONE-TIME PRICE OF PROGRAMS, LOOK AT THE LIFE-LONG COST OF NOT BUYING THE PROGRAM, even if money is tight in the moment. If I knew a course or program would benefit me, I asked myself what I had to lose by NOT buying it. The cost of not investing often meant I’d still be stuck, playing small with my excuses and pretending I’m not worthy, all the while with the same problems month after month, year after year. And I would’ve missed out on helping thousands of sensitive souls and enriching their lives for the better. In fact, you would not be reading this today had I not learned this lesson.
2 years ago, I found out my body can’t have babies. I wrote about it here. It was devastating and took me 9 months to acknowledge it. In the same amount of time it takes to make a full-grown baby, it took me to finally face it like a grown-up. I did a lot of growing up that year, even though I’m well into my 40s. I practiced what I preach to my clients and students, and went deep into my pain. It felt a lot like tumbling down the rabbit hole, as I experienced out-of-this-world woo-woo stuff such as cosmo-energy healing, past life visions, channeling entities and parallel dimensions. I thought I was going crazy, but there was something very sane and right about it all, even though it didn’t make logical sense. In discovering that this human form has limitations, it was as if my skin turned inside out and my soul emerged from underneath all the flesh. I stopped being human and spirit started living through me. I don’t really know how to explain this but I bet you know what I’m talking about it. Something about it resonates with you, doesn’t it?
From this experience, I learned the most important lesson of all: I AM NOT HUMAN. GOD LIVES IN, THROUGH AND AS ME, even if my life looks like an ordinary, mundane existence, it’s still a miracle of divine proportions. In fact, it’s a miracle anything was able to get through this tough iron shell of a person who thought she was in control, had a say in her life and struggled so hard at every turn to make things work.
All she had to do was let go.
And let life live through her.
Now I know. After more than a decade of lessons and learning, 2020 will be about getting out of my own way and letting divine vision take over.
If you haven’t done a decade-review yet, I highly urge you to take some time and reflect upon the past 10 years… where you’ve been, how you’ve felt, and what 2020 means to you. Everyone gets a second chance, starting tomorrow. Let’s clean the slate and start anew in 2020. No matter what your life has been in the past, tomorrow is truly a new day.
It’s the beginning of our ascension.
Let’s go together, shall we?